About testimommy

I'm a wishy washy SAHM, a word that if you have dyslexia looks like SHAM. And I struggle with feeling this isn't a job every day since I can't get fired. Or quit. It's like tenure and a prison sentence all at once.

Hitting the Bottle…Again.


I’m not gonna lie: maybe it’s being on the edge of 40 glory, or my son’s kindergarten anxiety, or my husband’s total hatred of autumn’s undeniably magnificent splendor…

But I have more grey hair than usual.

Coupled with the sun’s dastardly effect on my dull, well-watered strands (seriously, why the F did I buy a house with its own gigantic water jugs in basement), I am looking wretched.

I have either mismanaged my time, lost track of it or taken on too much. I’m typing this with one hand and eating Panera Mac and cheese with the other.

So instead of going to the salon, since there’s no time for that – I’ve hit the bottle again.

For a year I massacred my own bathroom with spewed hair color hitting walls and sink. Cheap? Yes. Effective?

“Why is your hair 3 colors?”

What, no good?

Here’s the top of my head today:


It didn’t come out too bad. The grey is nearly gone.

But I don’t think I got to the “root” of the problem.

And now it’s time to go. What else is new.

Manic Momday

I wish it were a Sunday.

Cause that’s my fun day.

Or something like that.

Mondays means business. My son wakes knowing fully well that the weekend is over, as daddy has already left for work by the time his weary eyes open.

This is usually the day to “get shit done.” Supermarket, target, bills, bank, dry cleaner, prescriptions…

But not today.

For today I embarked on my first ever class trip. As a parent.

Some of my fondest childhood memories involve my mother going on field trips, and I wasn’t going to let this first in my child’s life just whizz by.

There’s also a trip to Washington I took in 5th grade that my uncle Martin chaperoned, but dear God that’s it’s own story.

So off I went to an apple orchard today. Before my son even exited school he was so excited I was there walked straight into a metal pole and got a black eye.

“I want to go home!”

Oh no you don’t. Unless blood is pooling into your cranium we are getting on this bus and we – I – am going.

Nurse gives the ok. Sorry kid.

With ice pack pressed firmly on face, we drive 30 minutes to pick 10 apples.

I tried to be the fun mom. A cry of “I’m bored” and I made the kids do jumping jacks.

For the kid allergic to apples, he was the manager of Apple picking.

After an hour of fall fun, back we went.

And the inevitable tears of my son, leaving him at school for the rest of the day.

But I had to go.

The cable guy was coming.

The dog didn’t poop that morning.

There were bills I needed to dispute.

This is Monday.

Goodbye means…goodbye

I’m short on material today, so I’m just going to use my mother as fodder.

Sorry, ma.

Went to traffic court today to plead down a 58 in a 30, just down the street from my house. I should have known better, since the cop likes to hide right next to the Chinese restaurant.

The judge says, “so you’re pleading 30 in a 35.”

He’s old. Confused?

“Sure. Sounds good to me.”

“Oh wait, i made a mistake. But just last week we pulled over a lady for going 24 in a 65 on the highway.”

“Was it my mother?” I asked.

“You’re funny.”

“Thank you. Can I pay you $100 instead of $130?”


As usual, I call my mother in the morning to check in – make sure she made it through the night without pressing the Life Alert button. I fill her in on my funny court story.

She laughs. Then gags. She can’t laugh without bringing on a gag attack. Something with her esophagus or just doing two things at the same time. Like laughing AND breathing.

We continue to talk minutiae and I tell her I’m home now and going upstairs.

“Ok, bye,” she says.

“Bye, ma.”

“So what else is going on?”

Oy vey.

What I Do All Day

Tis the season for all that harvesty fall crap we love in the northeast: cable knit sweaters (not wearing), knee-high boots (not wearing), and pumpkin overload (gourd and bacon flavored dog chews? check.)

The seasons have changed over five times since the birth of my son. I have had five autumns to think about that next phase of life. And the question that I knew would be asked – over and over.

“Is kindergarten all day where you live?”

Answer: YES.

Proceed to question two.

“Now that your son is in Kindergarten all day, what do you plan on doing?”

I thought for sure the answer would be “duh, copywriting.”

But I’m not. I’m sitting here, right now, writing this “thing” in my jammies drinking a pumpkin spice coffee brewed in my Keurig. Oh God, the clichés.

I can’t go back to work. I just…can’t. At least not full time. Ill continue to take on projects that may or may not be soul destroying as long as they pay $50+ an hour. Write insert for Franklin Mint Doll of the Month club? She’s a real beauty this month. 100% Porcelain face with delicate blue eyes and proudly wearing her country’s dirndl.

My son is sensitive. Like, for realz. Cries over sad songs, pictures of himself as a baby, ascribes meaning to things that don’t deserve meaning “that paper bag with a yellow crayon line had memories and you threw it away?” Uh, yeah.

I have the “guilt.” I guess it’s like the vapors. Or the condition. I don’t want to hurt his feelings anymore than they are already hurt. But then I resent. Oh, you vicious cycle. You “condition!”

But then I think about all I do DO. And I don’t see how I’d have the time for a full day of work. And to every mom who does it including my own who did it without a baby daddy around: I salute you. But don’t think I’m watching The View everyday, fitting in gym time and mah Jong (oh, chef don’t judge.)

Here’s what YOU may think I do all day. (All day being 8:52-2:45 in case of confusion.)

YOU are either:

Shoe salesman at Nordstrom
Fed-ex guy that requires a signature for a package and sees I’m home to add my scribe to your screen.

All have looked upon me with disdain. Although if you ask número uno on this list, hell say its my insecurity that leads me to believe I’m looked down upon.

This is HIGHLY likely as I am slightly paranoid.

Here’s my day according to aforementioned list.

Take to school bus.
Come home.
Pick up from bus.
Drive to activity.
Good night.

Ta da!

Unfortunately, I can’t write anymore and say what I do all day. Because somewhere between “take to school bus” and “come home” is a life of endless errands and demands and I’ve already “wasted” 30 minutes writing this thing that I’m sure my mother will read and maybe a spammer who found this blog and wants to sell me low-cost Cialis.

Whether you work full time or not, carve out time in your day for YOU. To write, to reflect, to drink in fall’s pleasures – even if it’s from a K cup bought at the A&P.

Til tomorrow. Back to work.

First Day of Kindergarten, 10 Days Later

Kindergarten started on September 3rd, I think. Because the poster I made my son Jesse hold up to symbolize this momentous occasion was printed as September 2nd. Likely due to my utter exhaustion thanks to not sleeping for 5+ years.

Everyone said these problems would sort themselves out by kindergarten, but we’re three weeks in, up two times a night, calling out for me like an infant who needs a nipple straight away. These boobs ran dry years ago, and truthfully I didn’t even breast feed. And maybe that’s why I’m being punished.

I swore I’d start blogging on the first day of school. As a former “award-winning” ad copywriter who used to slave over copy decks with important notations like, “fluff up” and “romanticize,” I decided to write about parenting in the complete opposite fashion. No fluff. No romance. Just the truth. I’m a mommy of just one boy. And this is my testimony.

Welcome to Testimommy. Here’s to sprewing my feelings on pseudo paper rather than at my child who on day 10 of school, is still crying like a baby that he doesn’t want to go on the bus. And I’m crying too, yelling that he’ll be a nothing without learning.

I meant to start on day one. So what it’s day ten. So what this page isn’t pretty yet, with a fancy logo and serif fonts and pictures of my handsome, devilish and sometimes disturbed child.

Words should be enough. And for now they will be. Because the truth is always enough.